Article 1

This Article originally appeared in the monthly
Magazine: Science of Mind, May, 2004, Los Angeles, CA

LIFE’S LONGING FOR ITSELF
The Spiritual Side of Adoption
by Diane Harmony

"Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you."
The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran

I am a Birth Mother. Until 12 years ago I didn't know that. Before then I believed myself to be a sinful woman who lived in the secret shame of having given birth to two illegitimate children. Until 1992 I believed I was an unwed mother who got "in trouble," after having been "caught" in her sin of promiscuity. The penalty was pregnancy.

It was only when I accepted that I was a Birth Mother that I had some sense of legitimacy and position in my life events in which I had considered myself the only villain/loser. I realized I was a part of a vibrant triad of people deeply interconnected in the unlimited love of God.

The Adoption Trinity

Birth Parents. Adoptive Parents. Adoptees. We are the trinity at the center of the web of love called Adoption. Even though many, many people are affected by the decisions in the adoption process - grandparents, siblings, other family members, and friends - these three corners of the triangle of this parent and child structure anchor a unique model of creating family. We share an amazing kinship, even though only some of us are biologically related. We are bound together not by time and space but by the birth of a child and the love we have for him or her. We have all suffered deep loss, and yet we have given each other one of life's greatest gifts - the freedom to fulfill the Divine Vision of our lives.

Birth Parents share the same role as all couples who conceive and give birth to a child. The circumstances around that conception, however, may be wildly different from the traditional model of those parents-to-be who choose to bring a baby into the world. In nearly all of the stories I have heard from Birth Parents, the pregnancy was not planned. Whether conception happened between a couple who were dating; in love but not married; the result of rape; occurred when parents had more children than they believed they could care for; or any number of other situations, Birth Parents will at some point depart from being parents by the decision to place a child for adoption. Often the Birth Mother makes that choice alone. The role of the Birth Father is usually determined by the nature of the relationship at the time of conception, and by the decision of the woman whether to include him in choices she will make about the future. As a birth mother who has made the decision to release a child twice, I know the enormous amount of pain and grief that accompanies that choice. I also know of no other form of human love that most demonstrates what we in New Thought refer to as Unconditional Love, than to give a newborn baby to another family in order that the child might be raised in a better environment than the birth parent could provide at the time.

Adoptive Parents are the spiritual alchemists in the adoption trinity. Their role is to take the child who has come through another and create a family bond that transcends any illusion of separation or abandonment. At the same time, these beautiful people may be healing their own feelings of inadequacy for being incapable - for whatever reason - of having "their own" children. Adoptive Parents share a super human resolve - they want to be parents; they are committed to being parents, and they have continued with determination to follow that drive in spite of the massive requirements - financial, emotional, psychological and physical - to qualify as Adoptive Parents. I know of few other people who have the high determination that Adoptive Parents do to parent a child. It must be the trust of God that Adoptive Parents stand in as they face one fear after another during the adoption and family bonding process: What is the biological background of the child? Will the birth parents change their minds? Will the baby be defective? Will the child want to know about his/her Birth Parents, and what will we tell him/her? And then, straw is turned into gold. The Unconditional Love of God is revealed yet again in this Triune. For better or worse, family is created and the child becomes a son or daughter and the Adoptive Parent becomes mom and dad.

The Adoptee is the keystone of the adoption Trinity. These children are the glue that binds it together. Born through one set of parents and raised by another, this Child of God is the true expression of Gibran's treatise on children: "They come through you but are not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you." At least four different lives have moved to shape this one. An Adoptee may represent an enormous loss to one parent, and the greatest of gifts to another. S/he often bears the scar caused by the wound of maternal abandonment, rejection and separation. Adoptees "by the very act of adoption will have gone through a lot," according to Dr. Marlou Russell, Adoptee, and author of Adoption Wisdom. "By the time adoptees are adults, they have survived separation from their birth parents, have acclimated to a new family, have dealt with fantasy and fears, have confronted identity issues, and have navigated relationships." Given their unique experiences, some Adoptees find it difficult to depend on others, and instead are very independent, mistrusting of any relationship. Yet from the place of Divine Love, Adoptees are the recipients of two of the infinite kinds of love; the love they know from their parents of choice, and the love that they may not experience directly from the parents who released them.

THE CHOICES WE MAKE

It was one of those beautiful, pristine fall afternoons in the Midwest. The colorful leaves where falling silently outside through the crisp October air. Three women sat around the antique wormwood dining room table inside the rambling suburban home. The filtered rays of sunlight through the paned windows illuminated the photo albums and letters strewn among an array of paisley-patterned coffee cups, made of fine bone china. Tears flowed freely as we shared our stories - my birth daughter, her adoptive mother and me. Although we had just met a few days before, the daughter I had released 35 years before instantly took her place to fill the void in my heart that I had carried for a generation. And here we were at her mother's home where over an elegant lunch, she shared with me all of Polly's pictures and scrapbooks of her growing-up years. Weeping began in earnest when Betsi told me that they celebrated each of Polly's birthdays with prayers for me, her "natural mother," and that she has always had a place in her heart for me.

Three women bound by the choices we made. We were three women who found our way to this physical union of souls and spirits through the outcome of the options we had chosen, and the practices of Surrender, Forgiveness and Gratitude.

Birthparents' Choice: To Keep the Baby,
or Release Him/Her

The decision of the Birthparent(s) triggers the formation of an Adoption Trinity. When it is made, it sets in motion a whole set of outcomes …and an immense opportunity to do the spiritual work to know Oneness in the midst of it all. All matter of considerations come in to play when deciding whether to keep or place a child, covering the gamut of circumstances surrounding conception to the best estimates of a future that would support the highest interest of the child and his/her mother. I have participated in numerous circles of Birthmothers, and I could not describe the extraordinary pain associated with making the choice of giving up a child. And, the emotional and psychic wounds caused by that choice can last a lifetime, if untreated by psychological and spiritual work.

My own path is perhaps typical in form, if not time lapse. My decision was determined by many factors including being legally under age, thus without freedom to make a choice that was different from our parents, not to marry the baby's father; of a religious teaching that forbad abortion; and without the prospects and education to support myself and a baby.

In order to "deal" with my choice to release my daughters for adoption, I went into total denial. For 30+ years, I had hidden "my secret" so well from myself that I couldn't even remember the month, much less the day - or even the year - my babies were born.

I couldn't hide from my past and myself forever. The soul searching that accompanied stepping onto the spiritual path required that I dig into the shadow places of my past. Through spiritual classes, counseling and the regular sessions with a Science of Mind Practitioner, I began the long road toward self-acceptance, and knowing the Unconditional Love of God that was within me. The path has been rocky, strewn with the landmines of unexpressed emotions of anger, regret, shame and guilt as well as the grace of God revealing glimpses of joy and harmony and peace. Yet through it all, I have come to realize the perfect pattern of Divine Love running through all of my life.

Surrendering my self-condemning judgments started me on the road to remembering Who I am, a divine emanation of pure Spirit. Through the profound practice of Forgiveness - of myself, my family, my society, my God - on a daily basis for years, I have found my way back to Love. Now I practice the gift of Gratitude for the opportunity to have given birth; to have provided the opportunity to someone to become a parent who might not have otherwise been one; to have had the privilege of having five children "come through me" while at the same time KNOWING that the three who I raised and the two I released for adoption truly are "the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself."

There are as many stories as there are Birthparents. What is common among us is that for whatever the reasons, we make a choice that will profoundly affect our lives forever; that we deal with the ramifications of that choice in whatever ways allow us to function; and that if we choose again, we can come into a holy alignment with the deep realization of Love that is back of, in, through and as our life-path.

Adoptive Parents' Choice - To Adopt or Not; To Tell the Truth or Hide It
"You would think that by this time things would not still affect me. I was shopping for a baby shower gift and found myself being quite sad that I had never given birth," writes an Adoptive Parent in Adoption Wisdom, by Marlou Russell, Ph.D.

One of the underlying elements of the Adoption Trinity is loss. Each member experiences it profoundly. In the case of the Adoptive Parent, the inability to have biological offspring is most often the cause for the decision to adopt a child. When deprived of having a child with "our" heredity, or to give birth "the natural way," people longing to become parents turn to adoption as a viable alternative. Often, endless rounds of fertility treatments precede the decision to adopt. In many cases, single people choose adoption to fulfill the dream of parenting as well.

Making the choice to adopt builds a strong foundation of determination and the conscious choice to fulfill the desire to have a family. In most cases, pre-adoptive parents must endure a rigorous routine that involves a great deal of time, money, research, legal and personal scrutiny, counseling and dashed hopes of adoptions that didn't work out, to navigate through the adoption maze. Adoptive Parents are expected to be stable, secure, financially fit, and able to provide a healthy environment in which a child can grow and thrive. Currently, there are many options Adoptive Parents can select in adopting, according to the laws of the state in which they live. One of them is Open Adoption when they can know the birthparent(s) through the pregnancy, attend the birth, and create visitation time for the birthparent(s). They can elect to follow the path of keeping the identity of the birthparents sealed, and/or elect to adopt internationally. And through it all, the resolve to fulfill the vision to have or enlarge a family - to provide the love and care that only a parent raising a child can provide - pulls Adoptive Parents into the Trinity, and all it means. What it means is to experience loving a child as if he/she were your own; surviving the comments of others about how "different" your child might be from you; in many cases living with a child whose nationality, medical history, culture and conditions at childbirth are unknown; facing the decision to tell your child the truth about being adopted, and then facing the ripple effect around that disclosure from the child, family, friends and schoolmates. Ultimately, it means to realize that love is what is real.

Surrender, Forgive and give the gift of Gratitude…three spiritual principles an Adoptive Parent can practice to bring the Presence of God into the experience of adoption. Surrendering the idea that having one's own child through giving birth creates an opportunity to explore the meaning of giving and receiving Unconditional Love that goes far beyond the traditional. Forgiving oneself, one's partner, the medical community and God that something is wrong because natural childbirth is not an alternative clears the spiritual soul to live in the place of gratitude (Thank you, God!) that other options do exist to receive the gift of a child - "one that is with you, yet s/he belongs not to you."

The Adoptees' Choice
To Accept the Blessings of Being Adopted

"Once there were two women who never knew each other.
One you do not remember; the other you call Mother.

Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star; the other became your sun.
The first one gave you life and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love; the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality; the other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim.

One gave you emotion; the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.
One sought for you a home that she could not provide, the other prayed for a child and her hopes were not denied.
And now you ask me through your tears the age-old question, unanswered through the years.

Heredity or environment? Which are you a product of?
Neither my darling, neither. Just two different kinds of love."
(Author Unknown)

Unwanted. Abandoned. Rejected. Adoptees often share these sentiments and emotions as reasons for psychological and spiritual disconnection so often experienced by this member of the Adoption Trinity. Perceiving that they have been given up by their Birth Parent, they will often unconsciously believe that there was something wrong with them that made them undesirable. "No matter how much our new family wants us, there is still that nagging knowledge that somewhere, someone, for some reason, didn't," writes an Adoptee in Dr. Russell's Adoption Wisdom. The feeling of not belonging is oftentimes accentuated because of the facts that the Adoptee may not look like the rest of the family; they do not know their family medical history, and they sometimes living in a fantasy about the identity of their "real" parents. These are some of the conditions that contribute to the unique kind of loss that an Adoptee feels as a member of the Adoption Trinity.
Surrender. Forgiveness. Gratitude. Here too, this member of the Triad can choose to sanctify this holy triangle through spiritual practices. Adoptees lives can be guided by the God quality of Wholeness when they surrender the belief in separation (we are all One in God), forgive their Birthparents for having released them and be ever grateful to have been chosen; to be thankful for the "two kinds of love" that have been so grace-fully given to them to receive and circulate.

OUTCOMES - Reunion or Not?

TV shows, books, movies and articles abound on the subject of reunion. Opinions and legal judgments have been declared and decreed on the rights of those involved. Stories have been and will be written on the positive or negative impact of looking for or finding a member of the Trinity, or the failure to do so. There is no "right or wrong" about the search process. And indeed, from a spiritual perspective, because there is no reality in the idea of separation, being reunited loses all meaning. Time and space are not in the realm of the Divine. This truth was so poignantly revealed to me in my first reunion. I described it in the Self Forgiveness chapter of my book 5 GIFTS for an Abundant Life when I wrote, "Our hearts melted into one another's in instant recognition during that first hug. Two bodies reunited after 36 years…two spirits that had never been separated." In God, we are eternally One. Thus, we can look upon reunion as a human/emotional desire, a human experience.

Whatever the outcome of the decision to search, I do know from my own experience and from interaction with many members of the Triad that the process can be a path to heal one's own psychological wounds around adoption for the Adoptee and Birthparents. And, reunion between Birthparent and Adoptee can feel very threatening to Adoptive Parents. As always, there is a place for spiritual practices in this adoption triad scenario. Surrender. Forgiveness. Gratitude.

I have been reunited with both of my daughters. My decision to search for my daughters was steeped in a desire to shine the light of God into the darkness of secrecy and the shame of my decisions. My only intention was to complete the circle by knowing that my birth children were okay, and to give them the gift of the past that was sealed in closed records.

In my case, each reunion and the subsequent reunion relationship were vastly different. In one instance, the meeting was just like those you have seen on Oprah. Our relationship has been a source of great healing of my own pain for me, and a joy for both my birth daughter, and me as we slowly define who we are to one another. Her mother has welcomed me with an open heart. My reunion with my second-born daughter has satisfied the need for me to complete the circle carved by my decision to "release" her. Our reunion relationship has yet to be formed even after several years of communication, and I am at peace that it may never be an on-going, interactive one. Is one reunion better than the other? No. In each reunion, I am so aware of the infinite, divine nature of God expressing.

The opportunities for spiritual work abound. I have surrendered the perfect picture of reuniting with my daughters. I have forgiven them and myself for whatever judgments we have about each other that appear to keep us in separation from each other and the God within us. I am so grateful to their Adoptive Parents. I am thankful to know how holy we all are; how perfect our lives are and that we are all One in God. I am so grateful to know that our children are not our children. They are "the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself."

"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

So He loves also the bow that is stable."
The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran

"A comment about the Article"

It is a sacred honor to be a member of the Adoption Trinity; Birthparents, Adoptive Parents and Adoptees. As a Birthparent, I have had the privilege to catch a glimpse of the Unlimited, Unconditional Love of God that expresses in this unique relationship of parents and child. It is a joy to open the gates of the Triad and share our journey with you.

Rev. Diane is the founder of Universal Harmony, a ministry committed to the global awakening of humanity. She is a speaker and the author of the book and 8-week transformational course 5 GIFTS for an Abundant Life Create a Consciousness of Wealth.

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